


(an unnecessary) apology accepted

by cougarlips



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9888812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cougarlips/pseuds/cougarlips
Summary: Magnus wished he could go back to the morning when he woke up to Alec sleeping peacefully underneath his blankets, one arm snaked around Magnus’s waist and the other around his chest, his forehead pressed flush against Magnus’s head so that every time Alec exhaled, Magnus could feel his breath on his own neck.Instead he saw his lover so tightly wound, coiled like a spring ready to fly any second, his limbs so tense they hurt Magnus to look at.





	

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> this contains spoilers for shadowhunters season 2 episode 8, and also alludes to a canon suicide attempt and focuses on a character that canonically self-harms. please stay safe, and read at your own discretion.

Seeing Alec curled up in Magnus’s bed should have evoked a feeling of warmth and happiness inside Magnus’s belly, not a bittersweet sort of melancholy.

Magnus wished he could go back to the morning when he woke up to Alec sleeping peacefully underneath his blankets, one arm snaked around Magnus’s waist and the other around his chest, his forehead pressed flush against Magnus’s head so that every time Alec exhaled, Magnus could feel his breath on his own neck.

Instead he saw his lover so tightly wound, coiled like a spring ready to fly any second, his limbs so tense they hurt Magnus to look at. He saw the way Alec tried desperately to channel his training, to cut off his emotions, to forget how he felt, to become a soldier once again and it made Magnus want to curse the Shadowhunters for ever teaching them that feelings made them weak and needed to be erased.

Magnus knew Alec was still awake. He knew it even before he laid eyes on him, knew it simply from the events of the evening, knew it by the way his aura steadily grew more pained and anxious at the hours drew on.

When he did draw near enough to look at him, to see the hard lines between his brows, the harsh clench of his jaw, the way he wrapped his arms around himself as if he could physically hold himself together, Magnus almost thought it more honorable to walk away, to let him deal with it in peace.

But Magnus knew better. He knew better because he, himself, had stood in Alec’s very same shoes. He knew better because he knew _Alec_ , his boyfriend, his partner, his lover, his _friend_ above all else, and how Alec wouldn't _let_ himself heal. He would stew in it, would bury himself in training exercises until he bled and his body gave out. He would punish himself because Alec believed he let his family down, let  _Magnus_ down, and he didn't know how else to handle it.

So Magnus carefully took of his shoes, removed his coat, unbuttoned his vest, and shrugged out of his layers, draping them all neatly on the coat hook he kept by his door. He took his time removing his rings, his bracelets, his necklaces -- his ear cuff becoming the final piece to be placed on his desk. He took his time grabbing a makeup wipe and wiping away his eyeliner and foundation.

He could have magicked them away, could have snapped his fingers and already have his clothes cleaned, dried, and put away in his closet, could have given a flourish of his hand and been dressed in his pajamas, all of his jewelry put away, all of his makeup removed, his hair cleaned and devoid of product. But he didn’t. He let himself take his time. He let the familiar monotony of the routine clear his mind, calm him down.

Magnus walked towards the bed, towards where Alec still lied curled up on his side. He mirrored Alec’s position opposite him. Up close, Magnus could see the rigid expression on Alec’s face, the contrast of his pallid skin with the deep circles underneath his eyes, the sharp hollows of his cheeks.

Magnus chanced his luck and brought a hand up tentatively to brush his fingers against Alec’s cheek, treading the stubble just under the surface. He fought the barest of relieved smiles when Alec leaned into the contact and opened his eyes.

“Hey,” Magnus whispered. He smoothed his hand over Alec’s neck, palm flush with his Deflect rune, thumb swiping over his cheekbone. Alec’s eyes drifted shut again at the sensation, but his expression softened minutely, hardly even noticeable if not for the hawk-like gaze Magnus trained onto him. “If you get out of these clothes, you might be more comfortable.”

Alec’s only response was a soft exhale and the barest shake of his head.

“Okay,” Magnus said.

It took several minutes of soft silence for Alec to finally move, to open his eyes again and meet Magnus’s directly. His voice hoarse, he muttered a quiet, “I’m sorry.”

Magnus blinked at first, but then he raised his free hand to rest on top of Alec’s arms, still tightly wound across his midsection. Alec eased one of them to let their fingers interlace. Magnus moved his other hand to weave through the hair on the back of Alec’s head and he leaned closer, pressing his forehead flush with Alec’s.

“If you need to hear it, you’re forgiven,” Magnus told him, “but you shouldn’t have to apologize for anything, Alexander.”

Alec leaned into Magnus, his facade cracking. When he moved his other arm to wrap around Magnus’s shoulders, Magnus tightened his own grip.

**Author's Note:**

> i was going to make a joke post on tumblr the other day about like all the ways alec and i are alike, but as i started listing everything it got less funny and more.... sad. i love alec, and i relate to him, and then with 208 i _really_ saw me in him and vice versa.
> 
> if you also love alec and want to cry w me about how big a break he deserves, hmu on tumblr at [@battlemagnus](http://battlemagnus.tumblr.com), which is my sh sideblog.


End file.
